Coming Soon to UTV

Here from WNN is a sneak peek at the Autumn Line-up for UTV:

STRAIGHT EYE FOR THE QUEER GUY
From the fashion capital of Ulster, Benburb, comes a new show to help gay men feel more socially awkward.

ROBBIN' HOOD
A new gang show from that guy who played Grant Mitchell following local scumbags around Craigavon as they sniff glue and beat up Pakistani kids.

SEX AND THE CARPARK
Like Sex and the City, but not based on a book, not starring glamorous people, and set in Cookstown. Expect to see lots of teenage girls with their knickers around their ankles as they ride around town in a souped up 306 straight D with some tosser in a peaked cap.

THE ONLY WAY IS BUSHMILLS
A new unscripted reality TV show from the writers of The Only Way Is Essex and Top Gear, one family is put together in a small house and the audience can bet either online or by phoning in on how long it takes them to do what comes naturally to folk from Bushmills...

ESCAPE FROM RATHLIN
In a post-apocalyptic future created by the collapse of the Civil Service the island of Rathlin has been transformed into a fortress prison housing former Civil Servants who have turned to a life of crime. The show follows former Tesco cashier Marty Gallagher as he attempts to escape the forces of Rathlin and clear his name for a crime he did not commit.

UNDERCOVER: DUNGANNON
Journalist Dirk Manly of WNN tries to find out where all the white people went.

OUR MUSICAL LAND
A six part mini-series of musicals about the cities and towns of Northern Ireland, including the Radio 1 chart-topper "Derry Londonderry" performed by The Strokes, and swing classic "Belfast, Belfast, the city so nice they named it".

THE RITE
Conspiracy thriller set in Armagh, Father Damian Priest was born to be in the church, but dark forces are threatening to bring the world down around him. "I've been a bad boy, Father."

DEAL OR NO DEAL: THE BANKER'S FINAL BID
The phenomenon is coming to an end, and we've got a little surprise for Noel. Filmed in association with 7 of the UK ITV networks and RTE, with the largest budget in UK television history, over 24 episodes we unleash the hounds of Hell and hunt Noel Edmunds across the British Isles. Where will the most smug man in Britain meet his grizzly fate? The Banker is on the phone.

Friends to get Northern Ireland reboot

Popular US sitcom 'Friends' is to get a Northern Ireland reboot in 2011. A new series coming to UTV called 'Shams'.

Ulsterbus to feature prominently in opening sequence.

Set in Coleraine on the sunny north coast the show will follow the misadventures in love and life of six waggish characters struggling to balance their careers with their need to constantly hang out in a coffee shop.

Meet the Cast...

Tiffany (Mark) the Transvestite and the show's straight man.

Kimi, the one who may or may not be retarded.

Robin, the 'ethnic' member of the cast, has a tan.

Billy, the sarcastic one with a real job.

Cat, the one who keeps having babies.

And Matt LeBlanc as Joey.

Coleraine was picked to be the setting of the show because as part of the 'Triangle Area' (Coleraine, Portrush, Portstewart) the crew have access to a wide variety of settings and good places to go for the after show party. Plus the strong tides of the ban will help get rid of the bodies of the hookers that inevitably show up when Matt LeBlanc performs.

The Bann, good for getting rid of dead hookers.

 The show opens with Joey moving to Northern Ireland to continue his acting career performing in Coleraine's Riverside Theatre, only to lose his job on the first day for screwing the director's daughter. With no money to return home he becomes the roommate of sarcastic guy Billy and from there it is assumed that comedy will ensue.

Coleraine Town Centre, expected not to feature at all.

Kimi gets into all kinds of goofy fun.

Eddie Izzard expected to make a guest appearance as Tiffany's hot cousin.

David Schwimmer also expected to guest as Ross doing a tour with his music.

Tune in on June 10th for the first episode of Shams.

Second Coming canceled due to poor ticket sales

The return of Our Lord and Saviour to cleanse the Earth of Sin as prophesied in the Book of Revelation has been postponed indefinitely due to poor retail sales.

Will be offering full refunds.

Ticketmaster have stated that, "People just don't have the same interest in the Biblical Apocalypse as they might have once had. Modern Hollywood blockbusters such as 2012, The Day After Tomorrow, The Knowing, and Mean Girls have given people a false expectation that can never be fulfilled with a few locusts and a bit of murky water. I may be speaking out of school but it may be time for Our Lord Jesus Christ to retire and make way for a harbinger of the Apocalypse who is more in-tune with the modern doomsayer."

The End: Delayed.

WNN were unable to reach Our Lord for comment however his press cherub did issue us the following statement:

"The Lord Jesus Christ, as representative of God's Will on Earth has been forced to cancel the impending Apocalypse due to unforeseen artistic differences with members of the Host and the Fallen. At this time He cannot say when He will be touring again, He will be taking some time with his Father and getting back to His carpentry roots to focus on what is really important in His life. He hopes that in time He will have new material that will give His long time fans the comeback that they deserve, in the meantime members of the Fallen will be finishing the current Middle East tour. Lord Jesus thanks you for your support and love, God be with you. Peace."

This is an unfortunate turn of events for many doom cults around the globe, especially for the eagerly awaited 2012 whirlwind tour starting in the Yucatan and ending in Belfast's Odyssey Arena which had been pipped to be 'the Apocalypse to end all Apocalypses'.

WNN can bring you exclusive news however that Our Lord Jesus may be doing a solo tour for select crowds across the globe from his Kerrang Award winning 'End of Days', beginning in the Limelight in Belfast this Autumn.

Coming soon to the Limelight.